Week 8 Mini-Critique Winner

Author: Ahirah T.
Title: Virgin Territory
Subgenre: Interracial/Futuristic

The twin sun-rays rose stimulatingly in the purple-hue sky, beaming light against the palace windows. Warmth spattered across Prince Jarood G’araccia cheek, though the pit of his stomach was like a block of ice found on some primitive planets in the outer reaches of the galaxy.

He knelt before his father, the King of Planet Subta, awaiting his decision.

“Rise, beloved son of mine. I have thought long and hard about your request.”

“Yes, father.” Jarood rose from his bended knee and stood proudly before his father. He hoped he’d get the answer he desired.

“Your mother and I discussed your future and we feel that the time for you to mate and become one with Princess Sawir, heiress to Planet Qui, is now. The royal law says that once a male reaches twenty-seven solars he must mate. You can longer put this off.”

Two words flashed in Jarood’s mind. Pleasure Temple.

All males within the kingdom visited the Pleasure Temple. It was the place where he along with countless others would go to de-virginize them selves. They stayed for a week and then were able to go find a mate among their women. On the other hand, women were expected to remain virgins till they mated.

Jarood meet the eyes of his father, staring into lavender eyes as his own. “Father, I’m not ready-”

His father cut him off quickly. “What you mean to say is that you don’t want the responsibility of palace life.”

Jarood’s eyes dropped while his jaw clenched. His father was right. He’d rather train as a maggedon,
warrior solider, and travel the galaxies learning and discovering new planets. Not mate with a woman he didn’t even know. Besides palace life was boring. Nothing but delegating and making sure others followed the rules.

He looked back up at his father and thought better of speaking.

King Torhr was an opposing man and one not to be toyed with. Standing tall, well over seven galas, he easily could have trained as a maggedon but instead followed the royal edict-only the youngest male child of the G’araccia tribe could inherit the throne.

With waist long silver white hair pulled back from his face, he looked more like an older brother than father.
“Father,” Jarood tried again.

“No. You are my youngest son. You will take the reigns and rule over Subta,” King Torhr boomed.

“But I’d rather-”

“Enough. That is the end of it.” His father stood up from the royal blue chair, positioned on a floating platform and descended down golden steps.

Jarood saw his father nod his head towards something behind him just as he heard the pounding of footsteps behind him. He pivoted and saw Opemm, the head guard sauntered over to him.

King Torhr strode up to Opemm and grasped his shoulder. “Make sure my son goes to the Pleasure Temple by moonlight tonight. He is obviously a little nervous. Have Dori and Kyira prepare him.

“Of course, my King. Those two are excellent pledge slaves and will no doubt make sure Prince Jarood is well versed before tonight.”

“Father,” he pleaded strongly, swallowing his pride.
“Enough. It must be done.”

He turned and with Opemm at his side made his way out of the Great Hall and back into the long hallway leading down to his rooms.

“That went well,” Jarood said to Opemm.

They passed many pledge slaves going about doing their chores, including sucking off males that lived in the palace. A man could only thrust his cock into his one true mate but having a pledge slave suck him off was normal and allowed.

He mind pushed the doors to his suite open and strolled to the body of water in the center of the room.

A beautiful site greeted his eyes. Dori and Kyira were seating on the edge of the pool, their legs spread open wide. They each rubbed their swollen clits, while pushing their fingers between their soaked pussy lips.

Dori’s blueish-skin glisten with water droplets. Her breasts lay hidden beneath golden hair. Kyira’s hue was whitish. Her eyes and hair both were pink with specks of brown. While one hand rubbed between her legs, the other caressed the hard tips of her breasts.

“Prince Jarood,” Dori said, her voice breathy.

“We’re here to service you for the Temple,” Kyira finished. She beckoned him with one of her fingers. “Come.”

Father is serious about this mating. Sending me his best oral givers.

Dori and Kyira held from the Planet Xuu where women were known to suck a cock from sun-rays to late moonlight on end.

A smile spread upon his face. This could take awhile.

At least I have the best, he thought, feeling his cock stir to life. He heard the door to his chamber close signaling Opemm’s departure. But he knew he would be back to escort him to the Pleasure Temple.
He’s clothes, leather black pants along with his flax-like shirt melted off his body as he approached the two women. Light bounced off his two silver nipple rings as well as the barbed ring nestled around his cock.

“You are our favorite,” Kyira whispered, her voice heavy with lust. She reached up and stroked his erection. A thick bead of cum pearled at the tip. He stood his ground as her body snaked up from her sitting position and licked the droplet off.

“So sweet, my Prince. Give me more,” she said, looking up at him.

Not a word left his lips.

She begged. “Please.”

He rewarded her with another drop of cum. He watched as her mouth descended, taking his cock entirely in her mouth up till the point where his cock ring encased the top width.

As the suction of her mouth deepened, his mind wandered on the fact that even though he was against mating with Princess Sawir, his body was ready.

Leigh here –

Ahirah, this is an imaginative twist on the harem story, and the setup with a young man – and apparently a virgin — of “twenty-seven solars” being introduced to the pleasures of the body offers a lot of potential as an erotic tale.

I also like how you use details to create your world, and the way that you use specific unusual words to remind the reader that you’re taking her into a different universe. We automatically use “years” to denote age without ever thinking about what a year actually means, so when you refer to “solars” it accomplishes both purposes. You’ve given us specific, understandable information, yet made it clear we’re in a different part of the universe. And by using words related to the English equivalents you keep it easy for the reader to understand the meaning from the context, without explanation.

The main problem I see here is that your scenes are under-developed. We have several things going on in this short section of the story, and rather than getting a full picture of any of the events, we move abruptly from one to the next. Each of those mini-scenes could be more fully developed and used to show us your world, your characters. For instance, why is Jarood so hesitant to take his place in the ruling order? What’s happened to him in his childhood or young adulthood to make him question his abilities? When you say there’s a “body of water” in the middle of his bedroom, what does that look like? (A hot tub? A swimming pool? An aquarium?) It’s a different world – show us more of the things that make it different, so we can picture it too.

An offshoot of the under-developed scenes is that I had trouble finding Jarood heroic. He sounds a bit whiny, almost like a little boy rather than a young man who’s been groomed to take over the throne. If you were to slow down the pace a little and show us a more fully-rounded picture of this young man and why he’s the way he is, we’d be more likely to give him the benefit of the doubt.

I wondered what the Pleasure Temple offers that he’s not already getting here from his father’s slaves. Does the temple teach him how to give pleasure to his partner? What’s going to make the heroine fall in love with him?

You’ve woven in sexual situations in the first 1,000 words, which is good when writing erotic romance, since sex should be an integral part of the story. But, in keeping with the under-developed scenes comment above, the sex starts too abruptly. It begins immediately, without any build-up, preventing the reader from becoming aroused like the character. Writing sensual and/or arousing sex scenes is more than just writing sex acts. True, erotic romance includes much more specific language and much more description of physical reactions than mainstream romance does, but that doesn’t mean leaving out the emotions. Let us experience what the characters are feeling physically and emotionally about themselves and their partner during the act. When sex is between two people (or in this case three) who don’t have an emotional connection with each other, it’s difficult to make it erotic or arousing for the reader.

I wonder if starting with your heroine, rather than with the hero, would give the reader a better understanding of what the conflict is going to be – what will keep these two characters apart. Perhaps starting with her would also make it easier for the reader to establish a sympathetic relationship with one character, so she’d be more easily hooked into finding out what happens to the couple.

There are also a number of small errors in word usage (them selves, when you mean themselves; solider when you mean soldier, reigns when you mean reins, held when you mean hailed), grammar, and sentence structure. Errors of this kind are easily fixed, and sending off a submission with so many of them makes you look unprofessional – not the image you want to leave with an editor or agent.

You’ve got a well-imagined alternative world, and a nice setup – reversing the situation we usually see where the woman is the “sacrificial virgin.” It will be fun to meet Jarood’s heroine and watch her bring him into line!


2 responses

6 11 2007
Same Entries - But With a New Twist « Chase the Dream Writers Contest

[…] This week we’ve noticed a number of entries that aren’t exactly new – contestants have submitted them before – but they’ve been rewritten and fantastically improved. We’re delighted to know that the mini-critiques are helping so many of you take a fresh look at your work, perhaps start telling it in a little different way or at a different moment, and make it stronger. And we hope that the finalist entries – and the comments on why they were chosen – have provided insight into what makes an entry work. We wish we could name you all winners … Speaking of winners, here’s this week’s finalist and mini-critique winner. […]

6 11 2007

Hi Ahirah!
Congrats and nice job. I like the sensual by-play setting up a passionate tone for the whole story, and the creative other world setting. I hope you keep working on it!

I hope also to read the finalist for this week -there seems to be a technical glitch when I try to click on it that reads, ERROR 404.


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